熟悉的背影

我突然很怀念你的背影，
相片里的影子突然变得更加熟悉。

不禁让我想起当天的温暖。
当我靠着你的肩膀时，
我竟然没有一丝怀疑。

这也是我第一次跨过了朋友的界限。
虽然不会很长，
但这段时间已经牢牢记在脑海里。。。

如果你问我有没有后悔，
我会回答没有。
偷偷喜欢你是我的选择。

但是，我很后悔做出了逃避你的决定。
以前还算要好的我们，
现在恐怕一句问候都是打扰。

“最近好吗？”
我还在等你回复我的信息。。。

我还是爱着你, 你还是冷处理...

"我还是爱着你, 你还是冷处理; 我还是爱着你, 我仍无法前进; 你是我的秘密..."

Whenever I listen to this Chinese song, I would think of you.
That day, the first day we went for Karaoke together, you were sad and in pain, because you broke up with your second boyfriend.

That day I brought my girlfriend as well. Of course, she didn't know the story. Nothing at all...

However, the sad love songs you sang that hard, they were all imprinted in my head.

Since that day, I started to search for those songs, including this one, which I love most, for now...

Whenever I listen to the songs, they bring me into a sadness mood. I started to know how it feels like, when you love someone who cannot being loved.

It's too late. 2 weeks, you will head to U.K and proceeding your further studies.

I miss you tonight... I miss you... Even I know I can't. I can't live like that anymore. This is insane and not fair to my girlfriend. I hate myself, again...

Flashback...

XXX,

I realised I had more chances to have a date with you (called it date, or whatever, don’t get me wrong yet.). Do you know, that period of time was the most precious time for me; I appreciate that very, very much. I was wondering that, you respected me as a close friend, a listener or whatever reason you thought best fit for every specific moment that you spent with me, I should repay you the same, willed to free my time slots for you. Things should be that simple, as you wished I think. But, unfortunately I lost the game because I did not follow the rules. Whenever I spent time with you, I tried very hard to resist myself. The days we spent at clubs and bars though were not really the best thing should be memorable, but I loved it. Not because of the events, the drunks or dances, all of them originated from the moment we spent together, those days were the only the closest I could be with you. I love to see you stay around me.

The faith of Tarot …

XXX,

I remember you told me that, because of me, you knew Tarot. It was fun and excited by the way. Since the first day we met, at the Big Hug restaurant, it took only a few days I approached you and played Tarot together, over the phone in midnight. Well, thanks to Xin Tung, and my foolish actions, I was in so called struggled and sadness. Fuck that by the way, still my stories being shared between us. So did you, your first ex. I would never forget that. I am sorry things did not work out as you hoped them to be. Yet, it was not important, the memorable moments were the times we gone through. It is funny, recall, I don’t know why that time I trusted a stranger, a person I rarely know, shared my private stuffs. I’m glad, because of that; I had our friendship, a unique, and strange friendship. Yeah as I thought it was something like that. Actually, I never thought I would use Tarot on somebody else. I’m glad to tell you that you are my first customer, thought that time I never played it over a year. Now, not even you, Kah Keat and Kha Heng, touched it as well. Strange, isn’t it? You would never know what would happen next. Remember that day, when I accompanied you to Lee Kwok Wing University to go for a tarot appointment. After that we went to the café and I told you that I had a crush on you. Specifically, I told you that day I had feelings on you but I was not certain regarding that kind of feelings was not indicated to something. I think you know what I meant, and I know you didn’t care that time, I don’t know. Believe me, it really took a lot of courage to tell you that, I was panic and afraid, since the very first day (that day). And this is also the reason why all the stories going down till now.

First thing first...

After days and weeks passed by, I have thought very clearly. Few times, I really wanted to tell her everything. However, things have changed. I do know I have a girlfriend, but I just can't stop thinking about her. 

In fact, I do accept the fact that she might not thinks that this is necessary...

However, I really hope that she knows what I'm thinking. I know the consequences, she won’t need to promise me anything, and I do not expect I can change her mind. I don’t have that rights, and I will respect her actions and decisions. Probably, for her, the things I would like to tell maybe is the last thing she won’t want to know. 

I just don't have the guts to change the story. I can't be irresponsible and just dump my girlfriend like that. She is innocent and loyal, the problem is only me...

I really miss her so much, it's almost a month I don't chat with the girl. I've unfollowed and unfriend her from all social networks. I'm trying hard, very very hard, to keep her out of my sight, and mind... But of course, I fail every time...